Question: He’s asking specifically how to deal with negative people in your family where you cannot get away from them.
Answer from Kim Michaels. This answer was given during the 2023 Kazakhstan Conference.
Again, it is an individual topic, because it depends on how the family is in your culture, or even in your family. How strong are the family ties? For example, some months ago I was talking to a man from South America. And in his country. Family ties were very, very strong. You were obligated towards your parents for the rest of your life, or the rest of their life at least. So it depends on how the culture is. I grew up in Denmark, where family ties are not as strong. In Denmark, you would just say: “Well if you have somebody who is negative towards you, I just avoid them.” Just like I would anybody else. But if you are in a different culture, then it is more difficult to avoid them. In that case, again, I would look at myself and say: “Why am I reacting to this person? What is it in me that causes me to react? Because, if I can find out what that is and overcome it, then what does it matter that the other person is negative if I do not have a reaction to it?”
In my own life, I have had examples of people that I did not have a good relationship with, because I always reacted to them in a certain way. And then when I looked at myself and overcame my reaction, the relationship changed. Because I did not react the way they were used to. Suddenly they were confused. And in some cases, the people then changed. I used to even think that sometimes it is like a test for you. Another person reacts in a certain way to show you something in yourself. And when you see it in yourself and overcome it, then the person no longer needs to react that way. And so they change. And then in many cases the relationship can change.
But it is like when we are the spiritual people, we are more aware of psychology. Who is going to change the relationship? The other person or us?
Many years ago, I had a difficult relationship with my father. I was in my early 20s. And one day I thought: “If this continues, in a couple of years we will not be able to talk to each other. So, Do I want to have a relationship with my father or not?” And I decided I would rather have a relationship with my father so we could at least talk together. And then I thought, well if our relationship is going to change who is going to do it? Is he going to do it? Is my father likely to change? He was older than me. He was more stubborn than me. He was not aware of the spiritual path as I was. Is it likely that he is going to change?” And I realized no it is not likely. If I want the relationship to change, I have to change.
And back then, I did not know about the separate selves and this and that, but I just decided that whenever he said something negative to me, I would respond positively. I would not defend myself. Because typically, he would accuse me of something, and I would defend myself. And then I would try to show him that he was wrong in what he was accusing me of. And then there would be an argument. I decided that if I cannot say something positive, I am not going to say anything. But I am always going to say something positive. And at first, he was very surprised, and it took several months, but then one day it was like, he changed. Instead of being negative and always accusing me of not doing the right thing in my life, he stopped. It was like he could see there was no point in it. Because I did not respond the way he was used to. After that the relationship actually changed.
Question: Specifically, how could you deal with it (the horizontal unity) when it is husband and wife?
Kim: Well, in a sense I would say the same way. Because in any relationship there is a certain dynamic. And what often happens is that a relationship is like a track, it is on a track. It is like those old gramophones, when it got stuck and it played the same tune over and over again. What would you do when you had these old gramophones? You would knock it on the side to get the needle out of the track and then it would keep playing.
Again, you would have to say, if a relationship is locked on a certain track, if we keep doing the same thing, we are going to get the same results. So how can we change? And then I would again look at why am I in this relationship? Why did I attract that person to me? What was it in my Divine plan that I wanted to learn about myself from that relationship? And then work on that. Try to see if you have a certain reactionary pattern to your partner and uncover that, and uncover the self behind it, and let go of it. And I think, in many cases, that will change the relationship. But in some cases, it probably will not. Because your partner might be too stuck in a certain track that comes from his or her upbringing, and this is how your spouse’s parents were arguing, and this is what you see growing up. You think this is what husband and wife do. If they cannot get out of it, then you have to evaluate whether you want to stay in the relationship. But you can always look at: How can I avoid reacting? Because, it is again one of those things where if you do not want to remove yourself from the relationship, for example you have children, so you want to stay with them until they are grown up. Then you have to say: “Well how can I live with that other person?” If the other person does not change, how can I live with it? And you can only do that if you overcome your own patterns, so you do not react to that other person. You are not stressed, you are not confrontational about it. And sometimes, I think that means you just have to accept the other person for who they are. And accept that that person is not going to change. And then you just have to find a way to live with that. In a sense when I talked about my father, I was saying: He is not going to change. The dynamic I was trapped in before was he accused me of something, I felt bad about it, and I reacted. And that is why I could not live with it. I wanted to change him, so I did not feel bad. And that is the dynamic you want to get out of. You want to see that in yourself. Why do I feel like I want to change my partner? It is because I want to avoid a reaction in myself. But what if I just look at that reaction and resolve it? Resolve that separate self so I no longer have the reaction. Then, I do not need to change my spouse’s behavior because I can live with it. It does not affect me negatively.
You can always try that and really work on that. And then you can say: “Okay, do I want to divorce my partner? Yes or no”. And if you do not, for example, because of children, then you say: “Then I must accept my partner for who he or she is. And accept that this is just what the relationship is.” And then if you do it because of the children, when they are grown up, then you can rethink it and see what you want to do. But it is one of those things. If you cannot change other people, your only option left is to change yourself. And maybe that changes the relationship. Maybe it does not. But if you overcome your reactions, you will have much more clarity in your own mind of what you want to do. What kind of a life do you want? What kind of relationship do you want? I know, for example, you know, we grow up, we look at our parents, we look at the adults in our family, and they have a certain kind of relationship.
And I look at my family. Nobody in my parents’ generation ever got divorced. And they did not even think about getting divorced. But that was because they had found a way to live with each other. It did not mean they had resolved their psychology. They had just found a way to say: If you do not do this, and I do not do this, then we can live with each other. But, for example, my grandmother and grandfather, they were arguing every day. Not a severe argument, but they were just sort of nagging each other: “Oh you do this, or you are so and so.” And I remember it was very unpleasant to be around them as a child.
What I am trying to say is, we grow up, we observe these relationships around us, and we think that is how a relationship is supposed to be. That is the only way it can be. When we work on our own psychology and overcome these reactionary patterns, we can come to a point where we say: “No, wait a minute. What kind of a relationship do I want? Do I really want the kind of relationship that my parents had, or my uncles and aunts, or my grandparents? Is that the kind of relationship I want?” And many of us have never asked ourselves that question because we are not brought up to ask that question. I think, when you resolve the psychology, then you are free to ask yourself that question. And then suddenly you might get a clarity that you do not have. And you might see a way to deal with the situation or resolve the situation that you cannot see now.
Question: In terms of giving lessons to your children, or your spouse, or family members, how would you look at that?
Kim: In Greek mythology, there was this man called Sisyphus. And the gods condemned him to roll a big stone up a hill. And then when he had struggled to roll it up the hill, it just rolled back down. He would go back down and start over again. That is how it is if you want to change other people. In other words, it is not worth it to try to change other people. I am being a little bit provocative, but I would say, do not have the intention of wanting to change your children, for example. I have just seen so many parents who want to do that, and they make themselves and the children unhappy. The best lesson you give to your children is yourself and the way you live your life. What I think you can do, instead of giving them a lesson, is ask them questions.
Question: Your wife spends more money than she should. How can I better understand?
Kim: Well fortunately, I do not have that problem… and I am glad I do not. I would try to ask her questions about it. And maybe you have, and maybe it does not work. Maybe you are doing the only thing you can do. There are some questions that cannot be resolved in terms of changing other people’s behavior. And I do not know your wife personally. I know I met her, but I do not know her. I cannot say, but I would try and talk to her about, you know, there is a limited amount of money coming in and there needs to be a relationship between what is going out and what is coming in, that is what everybody in the world lives by.
Well, it would be better to ask a woman that question then to ask a man. That much I know. See, like Socrates, I know there are certain things I do not know. She obviously has some kind of separate self, some psychological need for spending money that is not balanced. And it would be better for her if she could overcome it. And it would be better for you, of course. But the question is, what is going to bring her to the point where she is willing to look at it? Because it sounds like she is not willing to look at it. I do not know. I do not have an answer to that.
Questioner: That is why we cannot discuss, cannot communicate.
Kim: Of course, that is the biggest problem in relationships. When you come to this point where there is an issue you cannot talk about at all. I understand that. And that is why I say again: What can you then do other than try to change yourself?
And are you the only one making money? Yes. Then maybe you have a right to say we need to have a balanced budget. And maybe that is what you need to do then. And she needs to accept that. Or go find some billionaire. I do not know.
It is one of those things where I think we often want to have a simple, clear answer that can resolve these kinds of issues. And I used to think, when I was younger, there had to be some kind of answer. That there had to be something I could understand that would change the situation. And the older I get, the more I give up on this. Because sometimes you cannot understand people’s behavior. Or at least, there is not a simple solution. It is not like you can just flip a switch. You just cannot do that. I think probably the first thing, the first condition, is that people need to be willing to look at an issue, and see that they have a problem. This is what you see in many addicts. Alcoholics, for example. They say:”Oh, my drinking is not a problem.” Everybody else can see it is a problem. But the person cannot see it. What is going to bring that person to the point where they wake up and say: “Maybe I do have a problem. Maybe I need to change.” And, you know, that is so individual what that is. But maybe you need to say that. Maybe that will change. Or maybe it will just make her angry. That is always, I think very important. And to consider, was there something in your Divine Plan that you wanted to learn in yourself that this person can bring out in you.
It could be something in relation to money. It could be in relationship to relationships. But once you see that, then it is possible your spouse will change or it is possible you will see how to change the situation, which you cannot see right now. What I always try to do, and this is what I have done as far back as I can see, this is why I am on the spiritual path. Because I could see as a child, I would like to live on a planet where there is no war but I cannot immediately change that. What can I do? Because I do not want to be powerless. I do not want to give up. I will never give up. I always look at a situation, what can I change? And the one thing I can always change is myself. My psychology. My attitude. So, I always look at that. Not always successfully. Because we cannot see what we cannot see. But that is what I always try to do.
And maybe I am contradicting what I just said that you come to a point where you have to accept that your spouse is not going to change, so maybe it sounds contradictory. But I still think that if you look at your own psychology and change as much as you can change there, then you have to decide: “Do I want to divorce that person, or do I want to live with that person, and then I have to accept that person.” But accepting that person does not necessarily mean that you enable the behavior that is unbalanced.
You can accept that she has a certain need, but you can say: “Well, I am the one that is making the money, so I have a right to decide how much we can afford to spend. And if you want to spend more money, then you need to get a job and make your own money”.
You might very well see something you cannot see today. I have experienced that in myself sometimes, I looked at a situation, you look at it a certain way, you cannot see how to change it. Then you see something in yourself, a reactionary pattern in yourself, and all of a sudden: “Oh, there was that other option that I never even saw before”. And then that can bring change.
I have been on the spiritual path for 47 years. I have seen a lot of stuff in my own psychology but I still have the attitude that if there is a situation that I cannot resolve or that I react to, I need to look at myself. And I will continue to have that attitude as long as I am in embodiment. Because I have seen that at the Summit Lighthouse, they had a messenger who was up there on a pedestal. She was the perfect human being. They did not use the word enlightened, but she had Christhood and she was beyond criticism. Many people thought she did not have unresolved psychology. And I will not go into that trap. Because if you think you have resolved your psychology, you cannot resolve what is left that you cannot see.
And if you think that nobody should be able to tell you: “Hey, Kim, you have a problem”, you could go the rest of your embodiment and not see this and miss your ascension. Because you have not seen something in yourself that you could have seen if you had just been willing to look”. That is why I will not go into this trap of thinking: “Oh, I resolved everything”. I think that is really the way to make maximum progress in this lifetime and if you want to make your ascension, you just got to keep asking, you just got to keep looking.
That is why, in the Summit Lighthouse, they had basically the same teaching we have now, about personal Christhood, qualifying for your ascension. But the ascension was up there and it was clear that we all felt this is where we need to go to. But the Summit Lighthouse did not have a staircase that said you take one step at a time and you keep walking up that staircase and you are going to make it. It was like there was a gap. The masters even talked about this, the “gap”.
It is like something magical is supposed to happen. If I keep giving violet flame, then one day all my karma is balanced and I’ll just catapult up there. But what the masters have given us today is totally different. And I was so relieved when they gave that teaching—the 144 levels of consciousness. And that at each level there is an illusion you have to see. That means you are never done as long as you are in embodiment. Until you ascend, you need to look for the next illusion. There was such a relief for me because it is doable. This is something you can do. Whereas before it was this you know, like this magical thinking that something outside of you is going to take you up there if you just keep doing violet flame and study the teachings. It was disempowering and I can see when I look back how many people in the Summit found the ascended master teachings and they made tremendous progress for several years. And then they stagnated and they just stood still for the next 10, 20 years.
They hardly made any progress. They gave three hours of violet flame a day, but they hardly made any progress because they did not look at their psychology and many of them got themselves into a point where they thought: “Oh I have been on the path for so long, I have given so many hours of violet flame, I have gone to Summit University, I have been on staff, I do not need to look at my psychology. I resolved my psychology”. And because of that attitude, they were not open to seeing something.
You know what Master More says: “If the guru be an ant, heed him”. Somebody came to them and said: “I think you have a problem”. And they said: “Who are you to tell me I have a problem? Look, I have been on the path much longer than you have. I have been on staff for so many years. I have gone to all these services. Who are you to tell me?” But he was the ant that Master More had sent to tell them. And they just brushed it aside. To me, that was tremendously relieving to have that teaching.
Before, I can see now, I was in tension because I always had this ability to step back and look at the big picture. Many times in the Summit, I would do this. I would step back and I would say: “What is it that this organization is teaching me?” And I always felt that there was that gap. You have a goal. It is a clear goal. But you have these outer things you have to do. Give the violet flame, do all these services and do not drive a red car and do not smoke and do not drink and all this stuff. But I could see that it was not enough. It was not everything. I did not know how to resolve it until I got the teachings we have today about the separate selves. I know I am going way off on a tangent here. But I think it is just important to share that in the Summit, there was a point where up until the 1990s, the early 1990s, the Summit was focused on the outer path. You are a member of the church. You follow these outer rules. You give all the decrees and then you will make it.
But then in the 1990s, the masters did start talking about resolving your psychology. But still many people thought: “Ah, I just need to do a few things”. There came a point where I actually realized, I saw that the spiritual path is 100% about resolving your psychology. There is just nothing else that matters. Nothing else that matters. I remember I was at this Summit University, it was probably in 1989. No, 88 it must have been, must have been 88, and they were talking about the ascension. They had this lady giving this lecture about the ascension. It was said that she had balanced over 51% of her karma so she was sure to ascend after this lifetime. She was this actually very, very strict person who had a very difficult psychology and nobody could tell her anything about herself. It was said she was Serapis Bey’s twin flame. That was what was said in the Summit. This lady who was giving this lecture on how to qualify for your ascension.
They had these outer requirements, you had to balance at least 51% of your karma. You had to fulfill your Divine Plan and your sacred labor and some other things. And I was sitting there in this class and I was just sort of neutral, I was just sort of listening. All of a sudden, I felt like I was almost pulled out of my body. I saw that I was standing there in front of a gate and if I walked through that gate I would ascend. I also saw that before I could walk through the gate I had to look back down at earth and I had to look at everything on earth and if there was anything I had not fulfilled, I had not done, I had not experienced, something I wanted to change, I could not ascend. Because ascending means leaving the earth behind forever. Finito. You are not doing anything more on earth. You are not in embodiment anymore. You are cutting off that whole opportunity you have by being in embodiment. It is gone. Forever. And if you have anything that you feel is not finished you have to go back.
I saw that what is it that determines whether I have something that pulls me back or not? It is my psychology. Because I have to have resolved all what the Buddha calls attachments to anything on earth. If I am attached to anything on earth this is going to pull me right back into another embodiment. And I saw that. I sat there and I was stunned by this because it was like I realized that the teaching that the Summit was giving, there was this gap. And it is not that you could not close the gap, but you could not close it by following the outer teaching. You had to go beyond the teaching. Otherwise, you were not going to make it. And some people could do that. It is not that. I am not saying it was totally wrong or false. I am not actually trying to criticize. I am just trying to say we have so much richer teachings today that it amazes me. It amazes me how much the masters have given on psychology and all these separate selves and the whole avatar teaching is just so incredible compared to what was given before.
It was just such a relief for me because when I started as a messenger I came from the Summit Lighthouse and they had a certain idolatrous view of the messenger as more or less the perfect human being. I started myself and there were of course some people from the Summit that supported me and I felt a certain pressure to live up to this outer image. It was a tension in me because first of all I knew nobody could live up to it. But I also sensed that I did not want to live up to it. For years I was not strong enough to say: “I do not want to live up to that kind of an image. I do not want to be that kind of a messenger or spiritual teacher”. Part of it was that I was sort of divided because I felt I had tremendous admiration and respect for Elizabeth as a messenger. I think she did an amazing job. And if she had not retired, I would not even have thought about becoming a messenger. I did not want to be disloyal to her by saying she was wrong in the way she was doing it.
For years I could not see how to resolve this saying I want to do it differently without saying that she was wrong and it took me a while before I realized: “But that is not the only option”. She did it her way. And that was her way and it was perfectly okay for her and for the Summit Lighthouse as an organization because it was as masters have said the last organization in the Piscean Age. But it was equally perfectly okay for me to say: “I do not want to do it that way. I am not that kind of a person. And we are no longer in the Piscean dispensation. This is the Aquarian Age”. If I want something, and I do not know that I even want something anymore, but I came to a point where I realized I do not want people to idolize me. I want them to look at me as an example and say: “If this guy Kim could do it, make his ascension, then I have a chance too”. I would much rather have people say that than idolize me. Because I can see how this is actually the problem, the basic problem with spiritual teachings.
If you look back through the ages (I know I am still going way off on a tangent, but it is like this). In order to get people to listen to you as a spiritual teacher you must first catch their attention. And how do you catch their attention? You have to have some kind of authority. You look back throughout the ages and you look at Jesus. Take this idolatrous image of Jesus we have been given today by Christianity. He was always wearing this perfectly clean tunic. His sandals were never dusty. And his hair was always perfect. And he probably always smelled like roses if you look at these images of him. But what was the reality? He walked around on these dusty roads in 40 degrees Celsius weather. Of course, he was smelling as bad as everybody else. And he was just, he was in a human body. What do you expect? So, what I am trying to say is, why were there many people who met Jesus 2000 years ago and either rejected him or ignored him? Because he had no specific authority. The authority that he has been given by Christianity was not there at the time. It just shows you that in order to get people to listen to you, at least in the Piscean dispensation, you had to claim to have some kind of authority. And that automatically creates a distance between you and the people who follow you. It was clear with Elizabeth. You know, she was up there. She had been trained for two million years to become a messenger at this particular age. She was so special. And nobody could do what she did. That was Pisces. This is Aquarius. I do not want to play to that. I do not want to claim authority to get people to listen to me because I saw in the Summit what happened. I saw in the Summit what happened. If you set yourself up and say: “I am so special, I am up here, and none of you can do what I do, so you just need to follow me, and then you will make it”. If you do that, you are creating this gap and people cannot overcome the gap, and they end up resenting you for it, which is what they did in the Summit.
When she got ill, so many people got angry at her because they felt she had not kept her promise. And, she even herself said one time, that if you idolize a person, you have to tear down the idol before you can manifest your Christhood. Because if you are saying this person has something I cannot have, you are denying your own Christhood. You have to tear down the idol before you have a chance of manifesting Christhood.
And that is why I do not want to do that. I do not want to be in that position. I am a human being like everybody else. I have started out life like all of you have started out life. I have walked the spiritual path that all of you can walk. It does not mean you all become messengers but you find what is in your Divine Plan, what is your specific contribution you can make, and you can resolve your psychology so you can stand there in front of that gate and look back at earth and say: Nothing pulls me back there. I am ready to go.” And leave the earth behind permanently.
This is what I realized back then, that it has to be a voluntary decision. Nobody is going to force you to go into the ascended realm. You cannot be forced to ascend. And you cannot force yourself to ascend. You cannot come there with this mindset that, I have been on the spiritual path for so many years, I have given all these decrees, Serapis Bey has to let me in. You just have to let me in, Serapis Bey. Look at all the things I have done. He is just going to say: “I am sorry. You have not understood what the ascension is about. You have to go back until you understand.” I do not even think he is going to say: “I am sorry”. He’s just going to say: “Step back, see what you have not seen and figure it out.”
Anyway, I felt like sharing that because I think it is very important that we all realize we all have the same potential to transcend ourselves. Because that is the only requirement on the spiritual path—that we are willing to transcend ourselves. And we all have to start wherever we are at.
None of us were any more special than anybody else. There were not three wise men that showed up when I was born in that maternity clinic in Denmark. I do not have anything you do not have. It is important for you to realize that because otherwise you just do the same thing that they did in the Summit, they did in the I AM Movement, they did in Theosophy, that the followers of Indian gurus have done for thousands of years, put the guru up on the pedestal. And the guru cannot help you that way. He might make you feel good for a time, but it is not going to change your consciousness. If you do not change your consciousness, look at how people behave on earth. Do you really imagine like the Christians, I have met Christians, fundamentalist Christians, who think: “If I declare Jesus to be my Lord and Savior, I am guaranteed to go to heaven.” But I do not stop to think, do the people I see around me, can we have that kind of people in heaven that are behaving like this?
What does it really take to go into heaven? It takes changing your consciousness. What the ascended masters have given us is the tools to change our consciousness. What we have to supply is the willingness. They cannot do that for us. But in order to be willing, we have to see it. We have to see it. And I am not saying that you all need to see it right now. It took me 30, 40 years to see this. But I am saying, you can all see it, and you do not have to take as long as I took.
Copyright © 2023 Kim Michaels