Why do some children turn out bad regardless of how well they are cared for?

TOPICS: A child has lived before - child comes in with distinct psychology - some children cannot be healed by parental love - some caught in a downward spiral - the pain of parents - avoiding unrealistic expectations - loving your children with discerning love -  avoid sense of ownership - respect free will of your child and yourself - why you volunteered to give birth to a particular child - karma and spiritual connection - breaking a karmic spiral - your right to move on - you are not responsible for the child’s choices - the lie that you are responsible for other people’s choices causes most conflicts - a relationship built on love -

Question: Why do some children turn out bad regardless all the care, religious and moral teachings and love they have received in their lives?


Answer from ascended master Jesus through Kim Michaels:


A very important question with some profound implications. The simple answer to your question is that a child is more than a physical body. The child is a lifestream, and that lifestream does not suddenly appear out of nowhere at the conception or at the birth of the body. As I explain elsewhere, the lifestream has indeed existed for a very long time because reincarnation is a reality—regardless of the fact that orthodox Christianity denounces it.

When you do accept the reality of reincarnation, you realize that the lifestream of your child is potentially very old. That lifestream could have had many lifetimes to build up a very complex psychology and a very complex web of karma and misqualified energy. You therefore see that the lifestream of your child might have come into this lifetime with a very heavy baggage of unresolved problems from past lives. In some cases, a lifestream can be so burdened and wounded from its past experiences that no amount of love, care and guidance by the parents or the community can fully heal the child.

There are many people who come into embodiment so wounded that they have little chance of becoming perfectly healed in one lifetime. However, they do have the opportunity to make progress, and the best you can do to help such a lifestream is to continue to show it love, to seek to help the lifestream heal its psychological wounds and help it expand its understanding of life. It will be especially helpful if the lifestream can come to understand the fact that human beings are ultimately responsible for their own situation because they create their own reality. However, it can be difficult to make a wounded lifestream accept this fact, as described in an important discourse.

It is important to be realistic and realize that some lifestreams are so wounded that they can make only limited progress or none at all. In fact, some lifestreams simply reinforce a downward spiral that has been going on for lifetimes, and they will not pull out of it until they hit some kind of bottom. I fully understand that it is very disheartening and disappointing to parents to have a child who rejects all of the offering of help and healing that is extended to the lifestream. I feel the pain of millions of parents who brought children into the world with the greatest hopes and expectations and who have done their very best to love and heal their children. I am aware that many parents experience that their children shatter their expectations and continually choose the lowest possible road in every situation.

I understand that this is very painful and disappointing for parents. However, I have to say that it is extremely important for parents to move beyond this kind of disappointment in their children and the sense of being rejected by the children. To fully move beyond this, two realizations are necessary.

The first realization is that most current cultures are based on a very limited understanding of the reality of God. If you have grown up in a culture that does not recognize the reality of reincarnation, it is almost inevitable that you will have been brought up to have a set of very unrealistic expectations and attitudes concerning having and raising children. In the western world it is commonly accepted that a parent has to love a child no matter how that child behaves.

In an overall sense this is true, but it is only true when you realize that true love means the unconditional love of God. That love is not the possessive and self-centered love that most people are capable of feeling and expressing. When you feel only self-centered love, it is inevitable that parents develop a sense of ownership concerning their children. This then leads to a set of expectations that the child should live its life according to the standards of the parents and their society.

This leads to unnecessary attempts by parents to control their children, and it leads to much conflict between parents and children because the children rebel against their parents’ attempts to control them. This then leads to much heartbreak and disappointment on the part of the parents and much anger on the part of the children. This is a dysfunctional culture that spiritual people need to make an attempt to break away from and transcend.

This leads to the second realization. The way to transcend the current dysfunctional culture concerning children is to realize and accept that your child is not your child. You have not created that child out of yourself or out of nothing. You do not have any ownership over the lifestream of your child. Your child is a completely separate individual, and as such your child has an absolute God-given right to exercise its free will according to its own understanding and to reap the consequences of its choices.

When you have a possessive attitude toward your child, you will seek to control the lifestream’s choices, and you might seek to prevent it from experiencing the consequences of its choices. When you overcome the possessive love and embrace the unconditional love of God, you will not seek to control the child but you will seek to educate and direct the child. However, you will have an uncompromising respect for the free will of the child, and if the child will not follow your advice, you will allow the child to experience the consequences of its choices.

I am not hereby saying that you should allow your child to do something that is threatening to its life or safety. I am, however, saying that as the child grows up, you will give it greater and greater freedom and you will eventually come to a point where you simply set the child free to live life as it sees fit. This is especially important for a wounded lifestream.

This then brings us to the concept that as a parent you are not obligated to let your entire life revolve around the child. A parent is not obligated to take care of a child for its entire lifetime. To fully understand this, you need to realize that there are two basic reasons why a particular parent will choose to bring in a particular lifestream as a child.

Before your lifestream came into its present embodiment, you met in a higher realm with your spiritual counselors, and you planned your coming lifetime. This includes planning which lifestreams you want to give an opportunity for life by having them as your children.

Obviously most parents want to think that their children are the perfect children. However, in reality many parents choose, before they come into embodiment, to give birth to one or more children that are severely wounded. There can be two basic reasons why a parent chooses to have a child with a wounded lifestream:

  • One reason is that the parent has karma with the child from past lives. The parent chooses to have the child as a way to pay back its debt to that lifestream.
  • Another reason is that the parent has a very old positive connection with the child. Therefore, the parent chooses to give birth to the wounded lifestream out of love for that lifestream and a desire to help the lifestream. 

In the first case you might say that the relationship between the parent and the child can be viewed as a business relationship. The parent owes a karmic debt to the child, almost like owing money to the bank. When the debt is paid back, the parent has fulfilled its obligation to the child.

What I am saying here is that in such a relationship there might not be any love between the lifestream of the child and the lifestream of the parent. In fact, there might be a lot of negative feelings carried over from a past life. The highest potential for that situation is that both the child and the parent will overcome all negative feelings for each other, work through their wounded psychology, balance the karma with each other and build a positive and loving relationship.

Unfortunately, this rarely happens when the child is a wounded lifestream. The main reason for this is the lack of spiritual understanding in western culture. Because they don’t see life as an opportunity for spiritual growth, the child and the parent often reinforce their negative feelings. This is unfortunate because it can prevent them from balancing their karma with each other.

The best thing you can do as a spiritually aware parent in that situation is to change your attitude toward the child and make a determined effort to heal your negative feelings and emotional wounds related to the child. You will then do everything you can to help the child so that you can balance your karma with the child. This might include spiritual exercises, such as using the decrees LINK or invocations LINK to transmute that karma.

If you do overcome your own negative feelings and balance all karma with your child, you have literally fulfilled your spiritual obligation to that child. If the child still does not respond in a positive manner toward you, it can be legitimate to simply cut off the relationship with the child.

Please do not misunderstand what I am saying. I am quite aware that there are many parents who run away from their responsibility toward their children. Please do not misconstrue my remarks and interpret them to mean that I condone such behavior. I do not condone anyone running away from their responsibility in life. What I am talking about here is that you can actually come to a point where you have fulfilled your responsibility toward a child, and it is better for both that you move on.

If the child has not shown any willingness to leave behind its negative feelings toward you, to learn from you or take advantage of anything you have to offer, then it can be legitimate for you to say, “You are on your own! I have to move on with my life and if you are not willing to move on, I am going to leave you behind.” This is indeed part of the meaning behind several of the things I said 2,000 years ago, when I made some very direct statements that have been misunderstood by so many:


For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law (Matthew 10:35).

He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me (Matthew 10:37).


The meaning behind these statements is that the purpose for your life is to move on with your spiritual path and manifest your Christhood. If you have fulfilled the karmic debt and if the child becomes a dead weight that holds you back on your spiritual path, then it can be legitimate for you to leave that child behind and move on with your path.

I realize that many people will find this to be a very provocative statement, yet it is the truth. What I am saying here is that a spiritually aware person will not simply run away from a child. However, you might move on when you have fulfilled the responsibility to the child, because you now realize that you also have a responsibility toward your own lifestream. If the child is not willing to move forward, then what is the point in halting your own spiritual progress out of a false sense of obligation to the child. Why hold back your progress if you do not help the child? Two wrongs do not make a right.

To fully understand this, you need to once again look at the fact that a child is a completely separate lifestream with its own free will. When you bring the child into the world, you have a certain responsibility to give that child the best possible start in life. Yet there comes a point when the child must fly away from the nest and take responsibility for its own life. When the child is old enough to make its own decisions, or when it reaches a point of complete rebellion or rejection of you as a parent, you are no longer responsible for the child's choices. For that matter, you are never responsible for your child’s choices, although while the child is younger you do have a responsibility to help it make the best possible choices.

What I am telling you here is that it is absolutely essential for any spiritual seeker to come to a point where you realize and fully accept that you are not responsible for the choices made by other people. You are responsible for your own life and for your own choices. You are not responsible for the choices of other people. You can seek to help them make the best possible choices, but you should never fall into the trap of attempting to make those choices for them.

If all people would realize the profound truth in this statement, about 80 percent of the conflicts and problems you currently see on this planet could be resolved very quickly because they truly spring from this false sense that you are responsible for the choices other people.

Before I get carried away, let me return to the situation where you choose to give birth to a wounded lifestream out of love for that lifestream. In that case, you already have a strong love for that lifestream and it is important that you nourish that love, even if your child is so wounded that it cannot fully reciprocate your love. In such a relationship it is extremely important that you do not let your love for the child become turned into the false sense of responsibility that I have just described. Instead, you should feel compassion and realize that the child's wounds might set some limitations for the relationship.

As I explained earlier, your child might be so deeply wounded that it has no chance of being completely healed in one lifetime. Therefore, the child might not be able to be a model citizen according to the standards of your culture and society. If you can avoid feeling a false sense of responsibility, you can let the child do the best it can in life without demanding or expecting it to do what is impossible given the lifestream’s wounds.

You can then avoid feeling rejected or disappointed and instead consider the child as a wounded lifestream that you can seek to help and love as it is able to receive it. In other words, you do not seek to force your love or your help upon the child but give only according to the child's limited ability to receive.

If you can maintain this attitude, you can build a constructive relationship to the child that will last for the rest of its life. In that case you might be able to gradually help the child heal its wounds and make major progress in that lifetime. This would indeed be a very positive outcome, even if the life of the child is far from ideal according to a worldly or spiritual standard. You see, people don’t have to live perfect lives in order to make spiritual progress. God does not judge as human beings judge. 





Copyright © 2004 by Kim Michaels

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