Overcoming an abusive childhood

TOPICS: Building a personality to survive abuse – why adults continue to seek abusive relationships – do people want to be free or continue as victims? – pattern started in past lifetimes – the inner child – subconscious programs take place in your mind and are created by your perception – some programs never dormant – you react to abuse with emotional maturity of a child – dissolving programs – abuse victims who don’t pursue therapy – the fear of deciding who you are – the fear of making mistakes – when you take on a role defined by fallen beings – victims are denying the power of God within them – childhood trauma is not the cause of adult behavior – find self-sufficiency within – conscious and subconscious will – push back threshold of conscious awareness – by truly applying yourself, you can overcome ANY pattern from the past –

Question: Can you please give me some insight into why children who have suffered deep woundedness in their childhood often repeat a similar pain by forming relationships in adulthood that have the same damaging pattern?

While I do not take huge stock in healing the “inner child” which is a big part of modern psychological discourse, I find – in my own life and others whom I love – a manifestation of repeating a deeply painful pattern, seemingly against one’s free will and self-understanding.

In my case, the absence of having having a father in my life has led to hurtful relationships with men, and primarily a resistance to try and have any relationship at all. I am too afraid to have my heart broken again.

My WILL is strong, but my subconscious rules? How can one overcome a dysfunctional pattern that seems to be hard-wired into their Being?


Answer from ascended master Jesus through Kim Michaels: (December 17, 2010)


It is understandable that children who have experienced a traumatic childhood build a sense of self-awareness that is centered around seeing themselves as victims of circumstances over which they have no control. After all, as a child you do experience that you are physically weaker and often also emotionally and mentally weaker than the adults around you. And thus, when a child is exposed to abuse, the child feels it is not strong enough to resist the abuse, which seemingly leaves it only one alternative, namely to build a personality that allows it to emotionally and physically survive the abuse.


Yet while this is very understandable for a child, you correctly raise the question of why a person who was abused as a child will continue seeking out abusive relationships as an adult? Given that the person now has the physical strength – and also should have the emotional strength – to walk away from abusive situations, why do some people stay in or attract such situations?


What I am saying here is that as an ascended master, I have great compassion for the many people on earth who experienced a very difficult and abusive childhood. As I said 2,000 years ago, there is hardly a greater travesty than the abuse of children—which is why it is – karmically – better for a person to “have a millstone put around his neck and be thrown into the sea” than to harm one of these little ones.


However, as an ascended master, it is also my role to help people overcome the conditions that limit them. And it is, of course, my knowledge that it is possible for you to transcend ANY condition on earth—if you really want to.

And therefore, this is, indeed, the central question: do people truly want to transcend the self-image of being powerless, of being victims? Do they want the freedom that comes with personal empowerment, or do they prefer the advantages that they gain from continuing to see themselves as powerless victims?


So what I will say from now on is indeed only for those who do want to be free of the limiting patterns.


As you point out in the question, it is indeed a wonder why adults repeat the patterns they have experienced as children—given that they now do have the actual power to avoid abuse. In other words, one might say that as children they did not have the actual power to avoid the abuse, but now that they do have this power, why aren’t they using it; what is it that neutralizes their power?


To begin understanding this, you need to realize that the very fact that adults repeat patterns of abusive relationships – and in many cases seek out such relationships – proves that this is not actually a pattern that was created in childhood in this lifetime. Instead, the real cause can be found only when looking deeper into the psychology of an individual lifestream.


Now, before I go into the deeper cause, I would like to comment on the concept of the inner child. What happens to most people in childhood is that they are exposed to conditions that make them feel threatened—this applies also to children who are not directly abused. So in an attempt to deal with these threats – real or perceived – the child builds up various defense mechanisms. These can be called “inner children” or they could be called subconscious programs that are designed to deal with particular threatening situations.


Take note of how this works. If you have the actual power to avoid a threat, you would use that power. So the subconscious programs are developed for you to deal with situations in which you perceive that you do not have actual power. In other words, they are created to help you deal with a situation in a passive way because you do not think you have the power to deal with it in an active way. Thus, they are not actually geared towards dealing with the external situation; they are created to help you deal with your internal situation.


Such programs can be compared to software programs installed on a computer. The programs are inactive until a certain command activates them, whereupon they temporarily take over the computer screen—comparable to your conscious mind. In this case, the command that activates the program is a situation in which you experience or perceive a threat that is similar to what you experienced in childhood and which caused you to develop the program.


Take note of what I am saying here. A program is activated by a situation in which you PERCEIVE that you are being threatened. That is why most adults have forgotten that they have such childhood programs—as normal adults you are no longer threatened by the things that made you feel threatened as a child. For example, most children developed an inner child or program to help them deal with their fear of the dark. Yet as they grow older, the fear of the dark fades away, and thus the program is rarely if ever activated. It is still there in the subconscious, but it is rarely activated as an adult.


My point is that most adults have quite a few of these subconscious programs, but they rarely encounter situations that activate them. The reason being that adult life rarely makes them feel threatened the same way they felt threatened as children.


For people who had an abusive childhood, the situation is somewhat different. In essence, these people also developed subconscious programs to help them deal with situations in which they felt threatened. But the difference is that because there was a direct, physical abuse, the programs have a much stronger influence on the person and they also have a much lower threshold for when they are activated.


Another way of saying this is that for a “normal” child a subconscious program is dormant most of the time and is only activated when needed—which hopefully is a rare occurrence and which becomes more rare as the child grows into adulthood. Yet when there is severe abuse, the child develops a program that is never dormant, because the child lives in a constant sense of being threatened.


So what you have now is an adult who never actually puts the subconscious program into a dormant state, and thus the program is still running in the background, even though there may be periods where it is not noticeable. Yet as soon as there is a perceived threat, the program springs into action and takes over the person’s mind.


Why is this a problem, given that the program was developed to help a person deal with a threat? Well, the problem is that the program was developed based on the self-image that the person had as a child. And thus, the program reflects the physical, mental and emotional maturity that the child had at the age when the abuse took place or began.


The consequence is that you now have an adult who is responding to an abusive relationship with the emotional maturity of a child—and that should make it obvious why the adult cannot break out of an abusive relationship. You have an adult person being abused, but the person is defending himself or herself based on the emotional maturity of a child. Which is why the person still thinks it has to allow itself to be abused by an adult—who is perceived as having superior power.


So the most constructive way to deal with this is that a person recognizes the pattern and recognizes that it is caused by a subconscious program that is no longer valid. Therefore, the obvious solution is that the program must be dissolved, so that you can be free to deal with abusive situations with the maturity you now have in many other situations.


There are numerous ways to dissolve such programs, such as inner child therapy, Gestalt therapy, talk therapy, hypnotherapy, EMDR therapy and others. The way such therapy works is that it eventually helps you go back to the situation where the program started. You then see that the very beginning of the program is that you formulated a specific belief about a specific abusive situation.


The belief basically states why you felt you did not have the power to stop the abuse and why you decided that you had to submit to it. And while that decision might have been reasonable for a child, once you see it as an adult, you can see that it is no longer a valid decision. You can then replace that original decision based on a decision you make as a mature adult who does have the power to stop abuse and thus has no need to submit to it. So, I am therefore encouraging people to engage in such therapy if they feel the need to break free of any repetitive patterns in their lives.


Now, in some cases, there are people who will not experience healing by going back to childhood. The reason is that a subconscious program was not created in this lifetime, but goes back many lifetimes. In such cases, it can sometimes help to use a form of regressive therapy, but even the therapies mentioned above can help you get in touch with decisions made in past lifetimes.


However, there is still a lingering question. Because it is a readily observable fact that the people who have experienced the most abuse as children are often the last ones to pursue therapy. And so how can this be explained?

Well, this is where we need to go much deeper into the psychology of an individual lifestream. In my discourse about the true path versus the false path, I explain that a lifestream starts out taking on various pre-defined roles in a protected environment. Yet there comes a point, where the lifestream must take the step up and begin to define its own roles.


For many lifestreams this can seem like a scary proposition. The reason why it seems scary is that these lifestreams have become influenced by the mind of anti-christ, and they have started to believe in the dualistic scale of right and wrong. Thus, they have started to believe that if they define their roles in the “wrong” way, they can become stuck in them and shut out from God’s kingdom. So as the teacher pushes them to get on a bike without the training wheels, these lifestreams choose to refuse to take responsibility for defining their own roles. Now, take a little time to contemplate what this means.


If you take full responsibility for yourself, you acknowledge that you have defined a certain role, and you have then started looking at the world through the perception filter of that role. Yet if you acknowledge that you defined the role, you also know that you can – at any time – step out of the role or redefine the role. So why even think in terms of you having made a mistake? You simply experimented, and if you don’t like the outcome, you change the experiment until you get an outcome you like.


Of course, if you are not willing to take full responsibility – but want to maintain the belief that someone else has defined your role for you – then you have only one option. And that is to go into a role that is indeed predefined for you—only it was not defined by the true spiritual teachers but by the fallen beings who act as false teachers.


There are many roles that were defined based on the illusion of separation, and they all have a central dynamic in common. They all portray you as a separate being who is the victim of some exterior force that is much more powerful than your interior force. And thus, you really haven’t defined your own role and you really can’t do anything to change it. You simply have to continue accepting that there is an exterior force that is dominating your life, and then you have to adapt to this domination as best you can.


I know that for a person who has experienced a deeply abusive childhood, this can seem heartless, but it is also reality.


Any time – and I mean ANY TIME – you see yourself as a victim, it is because you have put an exterior “god” before the real God within you. And it is only because you are denying the power of God within you that you can believe you are the victim of an exterior force.


The reality is that – as mandated by the Law of Free Will – you are NEVER a victim—unless you choose to be a victim. And that truly means that if people live their adult lives seeing themselves as victims, it is for one reason only: they have not had enough of the experience of being victims—and therefore having a seemingly watertight excuse for not taking responsibility for themselves and their state of mind.


As an ascended master, I can only bow to people’s free will. I have no desire to force anyone to stop having the experience they actually want to have. Yet when people decide that they want a different experience, then I am ever ready to help them transcend ANY sense of self they have built.


So my point is that childhood trauma is not the cause of adult behavior. Adult behavior is an extension of an underlying problem that caused you to attract the childhood situation. Thus, if you truly want to be free, you must start by seeking to dissolve dysfunctional subconscious programs. But then you must go beyond and go all the way back to the earliest decisions that caused you to go into the pattern you have been repeating for a very long time.

Let me in closing briefly comment on a couple of statements from the question:


? In my case, the absence of having having a father in my life has led to hurtful relationships with men, and primarily a resistance to try and have any relationship at all. I am too afraid to have my heart broken again.


The key to overcoming this is to realize that the essential relationship in your life is the relationship with your I AM Presence. The father figure on earth is a symbol for the masculine aspect of God, which is a symbol for your own Presence—which symbolizes the need for a stable center – a sun – around which the planets of your life can revolve.


As long as you look to an exterior source – be it a person on earth or a remote god in heaven – to fulfill your need for a stable center, you will always be disappointed. The ONLY solution is to stop looking outside yourself and make a determined effort to establish a direct, inner relationship with your Presence. Of course, this requires you to be willing to take full responsibility for your state of mind, so you never use any external condition as an excuse for not connecting within. 


? My WILL is strong, but my subconscious rules? How can one overcome a dysfunctional pattern that seems to be hard-wired into their Being?


In reality, the will that is strong is the conscious will, and it has little power over the subconscious programs. Furthermore, the will of the conscious mind has little power over the will that caused you to make decisions at deeper levels of your being.


In other words, the decision you made a long time ago to not take responsibility for yourself is far stronger than any will you can have at the level of conscious awareness. You can NEVER override such a deeper decision by making a decision with the conscious mind—that is as long as the deeper decision is still below the threshold of conscious awareness.

The ONLY way out is to push back the threshold of conscious awareness, so that you make the deeper decision conscious, Once you see it for what it is and see why you made that decision, you can then consciously replace it with a better decision.


Yet this is something that cannot be done a a result of some magical quick fix or a week-end inner child seminar. This is something that takes time, for many people decades or lifetimes. Yet what you can indeed do instantly is to make the conscious decision that you are willing to push back the threshold of conscious awareness so you can see your past decisions.


And once you make that commitment, you can make use of the many tools that are available for this purpose, from our toolbox website to other spiritual teachings, from our decrees and invocations to meditation and from traditional psychotherapy to newer forms of therapy.


If you truly open yourself to the process, then you WILL be given guidance as to the next step you need to take. And if you take every step, you will make progress—and within the foreseeable future, you will look back and marvel at how far you have come in such a – relative to suffering lifetime after lifetime – short period of time.


The bottom line is this. If you feel like a victim who has no power to change your situation, then this proves there is something in yourself that you have not been willing to look at. You will therefore remain a victim for as long as it takes before you have suffered so much that you finally make the decision to look at the beam in your own eye.


I told all of you to do this 2,000 years ago. You are free to postpone the decision for another 2,000 years. Yet you will obviously have to live with what you are not willing to look at until you do look at it and then transcend it by making a better decision.




Copyright © 2010 by Kim Michaels