Foundational teachings on the relationship between teenagers and parents

TOPICS: Mother Mary’s life with Jesus – letting children live their own lives – setting children free – setting yourself free – all people are doing the best they can – the fear of being bad parents – children are born with a distinct personality created in past lives – you are not responsible for the child’s personality – at age 12, relationship must change from obligation to free-will choice – teenagers need to define who they are – the downward spiral of force – being apart for a while – no teen-ager is an island – neither conform nor rebel – demonstrate that it is possible to rise above force – love respects no human – parents and children in the golden age – no ownership of children – society taking more active role in bringing up children – sacred contracts between people – options for a child living away from parents after the age of 12 – contracts between parents and teenagers – you have a right to live free from force – when children abuse their parents – abuse by child – growing apart is better than not growing together – 

Question: I find myself struggling in my role as a mother of three teenagers. On the one hand I realize that my kids have their own life plans (and I firmly believe that I signed up to be their mother in this life). I have no desire to try to force them to do anything, but I need to try to keep them safe. I want to help them make good choices. Sometimes my house is simply crazy! I can’t stand all of the negative energy. I try to be as unattached and level-headed as possible but it is so difficult. I find I cannot say or do anything negative without instant karma (I’ll smash my leg into the dishwasher, break a glass, etc.) That’s when I’ll take a breather and look for a better solution, but the better solutions are so hard to find when everyone is being nasty.

Are there special rosaries for parents? Can you recommend any spiritual techniques for improving the vibe in the house and helping me fulfill my role better?

Answer from ascended masters Mother Mary, Jesus and Saint Germain through Kim Michaels: (November 19, 2010)

I know very well from my personal experience how difficult it can be to be a mother to teenagers. I personally had to deal with a very difficult teenager, by the name of Jesus, but that is not to say he was better or worse than what many other mothers have to deal with.

I would like to tell you a little bit about my life with Jesus. You will recall from the Bible that there was a situation where Joseph and I had taken Jesus to Jerusalem. He had gotten lost from us in the crowd, and we finally found him in the temple, happily discoursing about religion with no awareness of time and place. This was, in fact, something he often did, as he was not very concerned about practical matters or about helping in the household.

When we found him, we were naturally worried, as most parents would be. But when we started asking him questions about why he had just disappeared – I admit with worry and blame in our voices – he instantly got moody – another habit of his – and “drew himself up” and stated with the infallible belief in his own authority that was the defining characteristic of his childhood: “Wist ye not that I must be about my father’s business?”

This was a defining moment for both Joseph and I as parents and for Jesus as a child, who was becoming old enough to start taking responsibility for himself. We all realized that something had fundamentally shifted in our relationship and that Jesus was no longer “our” child. We thus had some serious discussions about the future of our relationship, and it was eventually decided that Jesus should travel with Joseph of Aramithea on the caravan routes to the East.

This he did, and we knew that we might not ever see him again, as such journeys were not without dangers. We also sensed that perhaps his own mission in life – we all knew he had a mission but had no clear vision of what it was – might take him away from us forever. So it was both difficult and painful for Joseph and I to let him go, but it was also a sense of release. We realized – as all parents need to realize – that our children come through us but not from us, and there comes a point where one has to let them go to live their own lives.

This can be a very difficult task for a parent, for we are all brought up with a certain sense of responsibility for our children. Yet there comes a point, where the children are – or should be – old enough to begin to take responsibility for their own lives, and as they do, the parents need to let go of their sense of responsibility. You simply need to set your child free to live its own life, regardless of how different it might be from yours. The ultimate test of parenthood is to let your child live a life that is in opposition to the way you have lived yours and in opposition to what you believe in, and still love that child and be willing to communicate with it if it comes back to you.

Yet in order to do this, you must also set yourself free from the sense that you are responsible for the child and that your child’s actions somehow reflect upon you. I am not here trying to excuse parents who neglect or abuse their children. Yet it is an indisputable fact that all human beings are, at any given moment, in a certain state of consciousness, a certain mental box or role, as Jesus calls it in his discourse.

Thus, your actions at any given time will always be a reflection of your current state of consciousness. None of us can do any different while we are in embodiment, and thus you can indeed say that all people are doing the best they can given their current state of consciousness. Thus, you should not expect or demand any more from yourself—and you should not expect or demand any more from others. (Obviously, this is not to say you cannot raise your consciousness.)

One of the most dysfunctional traits in relationships is precisely the tendency to expect or demand that other people live up to a certain standard. Yet why do people do this? Because they expect and demand this of themselves, often subconsciously and thus without seeing that what they do to others, they have already done to themselves. This tendency is, as Jesus explains in the discourse, an aspect of the consciousness of anti-christ and it only serves to perpetuate the downward spiral created by the fallen beings.

One result of this is that as parents we tend to feel that we need to live up to a certain standard of being the perfect parents, and the ultimate test of this is how our children behave and what they do with their lives. We feel that if the child does something “wrong” or lives its life in a way we disapprove of, then this proves we have been bad parents. And then we fear the judgment of our society and peers.

Do you see that this is a complete misunderstanding of free will? Each person is a unique individual and it has free will. You are responsible for the choices you make, but you are not responsible for the choices made by any other human being. Thus, thinking your worth or performance is dependent upon the choices of others puts you in a bind. You feel that others have power over you, and thus you think you need to use force to get power over them. A recipe for a disastrous relationship.

I am not hereby denying that parents have an influence on their children. Yet it needs to be recognized more clearly – and will be in the Golden Age – that children are born with many characteristics and personality traits firmly established from past lives. These ongoing traits are the child’s responsibility—they are not the responsibility of the parents. As a parent, you are responsible for your own state of mind, but you are never responsible for your child’s state of mind. No human being is ever responsible for the state of mind of another human being.

If this one awareness could become more known, then many of the problems between children and parents could be transcended. It could then lead to a new awareness that starting at the age of 12, the relationship between children and parents needs to change. There needs to be an understanding that parents are no longer obligated to house the children and the children are no longer obligated to stay in the home. I realize that in today’s society, most children have limited options for leaving the home, but that will change in the Golden Age.

So it needs to be recognized that if the children do stay at home after the age of 12, it is not because they are forced to do so or that the parents are forced to keep them home. There needs to be a sense that this is something we are choosing to do together; we are choosing to live together because we want to stay together more than the alternatives. Thus, if we choose to live together, then there is no point in blaming each other or demanding that the other side should live up to a standard that we cannot live up to.

I will now step back, for Jesus is eager to also have a say, and I know from experience that when Jesus wants a say, it is not easy task to stop him—nor do I have any desire to stop him, as I always only wanted to see him express his full potential.


Was I an easy child? Well, at the time I certainly thought so, for as long as I always got my way, I was so easy to get along with. Yet, in retrospect, I realize clearly that if my own child had acted the way I did, I certainly would not have put up with it. And that is precisely my point.

As you become a teenager, you enter a phase in your life, where you should ideally begin to discover and define who you are, as well as discover and define what is to be your mission in life. The saddest part of modern society is that children are brought up without a sense that they are spiritual beings and have a spiritual mission in life.

The result is that they do not see the incredible opportunity that life is, and instead they feel as if life has somehow been forced upon them. This sense of being forced becomes personified in their parents, especially if the parents are overwhelmed by or attached to their sense of responsibility and the sense that their children’s actions will reflect upon themselves. As the children begin to rebel against being forced, the parents also start feeling forced.

This gives both parents and children the sense that they are being forced into a situation they would rather avoid, and the most common reaction is that both sides start using force to counter-act what they see as force from the other side. This almost inevitably generates a negative spiral. As explained elsewhere, the foremost outcome of this is that people are blinded by their perception of the situation. Each side thinks that the way they look at the situation is the only way or the only right way, and thus there can never be a meeting of minds and hearts.

There is really only one way to break such a negative spiral, and that is to take away the “force” that warps people’s perception of the situation. Obviously, this could be done through spiritual awareness or through counseling with neutral outsiders. Yet in many cases, the only way for people to truly get a different perspective is for the two sides to be apart for a while.

In the situation Mother Mary describes, I was absolutely sure that I was right to follow my vision that I had a spiritual mission, regardless of the consequences it had for my parents. I felt my parents were trying to restrict my mission in life, and I rebelled against what I saw as force from their side. Thus, I was – despite the many idolatrous dreams people have about me – not that different from many teenagers. I left with a certain sense of self-righteousness, feeling I was getting away from the restrictive environment of my home.

Yet as I walked the dusty caravan trails, I had certain realizations. You see, the desert is a very special environment. It is not like being at home with your parents, where you can – at least to some degree – get them to bend to your will. Nature bends to no man’s will. As I walked through the desert and saw that without the water and food provided by the community, I had no way to survive, I realized clearly that “no teenager is an island.” I also realized that regardless of how high an opinion I had of myself and my own importance, the desert could care less who I thought I was. It would grind me to dust as indifferently as it would grind to dust any man.

This caused me to realize that what I saw as my parents trying to restrict me was to a large degree their attempt to protect me against myself, protect me against my sense that I could get away with anything and that I knew best. As I said, the challenge of a teenager is to discover and define who you are. Yet how do you discover and define who you are? Not by conforming to your parents, but not by rebelling against them either. You can only discover who you are by taking full responsibility for yourself and your own state of mind. And as long as you blame others or project that they are the ones restricting you, then you only demonstrate that you have not yet taken full responsibility for yourself.

As I walked – with the taste of dry desert air in my mouth – past the white bones of both man and beast, I realized that there are things in life that do not bend to the human will. Thus, there is a limit to what you can accomplish through force. I started slowly admitting that it was futile to spend the rest of my life seeking to get the universe to conform to my will. Instead, I needed to adjust my will to the reality of how life works—for there are things that my will cannot change. This profound sense of realism and humility started opening my mind to what became the heart of my teachings, namely to do unto others what you want them to do unto you.

Do not seek to force others to do what you want them to do. Demonstrate to others what you are willing to do. And then set them free to respond in kind or respond in unkind, for you know you have done your part.

What is the greatest mission any human being could possibly have? Is it not to demonstrate that it is possible for human beings to rise above force, to rise above the tendency to blame yourself and others? Is it not to show that at least one person is willing to not strike back with force but to turn the other cheek in love and kindness? Is it not to demonstrate that love is superior to force and that love cannot be forced.

For as you do not own another human being, you cannot own love. You cannot force it into your expectations or demands, for love – as nature – respects no man’s will. You either open yourself up to its flow or you set yourself apart from its flow.

My point is simply this: Whenever there is conflict in a relationship, seek to get a wider perspective. If this means coming apart for a time, then be willing to do it. And if you then come together again, realize it is a voluntary act that is not based on force but on love. The love that comes from recognizing that no one owns another, but that each must own oneself and one’s state of mind.

I never saw my father Joseph again in that life. I left with less than love, and I many times wished I had had the chance to erase the words of force with words of love. Fortunately, nothing is lost forever, and I have since had the opportunity to make peace with him in the ascended realm. Yet do not wait for the future to do what you could do today. For the future never comes, but the now is forever.

 Saint Germain, embodied as Joseph:

Well, my beloved, as you might surmise from the foregoing, when living in a household with both Mary and Jesus, it is not often one gets to have the last word.

So they have indeed humored me by letting me speak last today. I shall thus give a vision of the relationship between parents and children in the Golden Age.

In the Golden Age, most people will grow up with some understanding of universal spiritual principles and with a much greater awareness of the human psyche and how to deal with their own psyche. Thus, most people will accept that it is their responsibility to take command over their own state of mind. There will also be a much greater awareness of the need for society to offer people ways to heal both themselves and relationships.

Yet the defining element will be that the traditional sense of ownership between parents and children will be replaced by a new awareness. This will cause society to take a much more active role in the lives of children, because society will see that healthy and harmonious children are the key to that society’s survival and growth. This is not to say that society will claim ownership of children, but neither will parents do so. Both society and parents will seek to help children claim ownership of themselves.

Because of the overall greater awareness, unwanted pregnancies will be minimal and abortion will become obsolete. Most pregnancies will thus be planned pregnancies, and they will be based on the same philosophy that guides all human relationships, namely that any relationship is a sacred contract entered into between two or more people.

Two people will not simply come together on a whim and produce a child. If two people want children, they will go through a period of getting to know each other and learning to live together before they produce a child. And before doing so, they will be required by society – and will gladly submit to this – to define and sign a contract for their relationship and for raising their children. Thus, they will vow to stay together and provide the best possible home for their children until the age of 12.

When a child reaches the age of 12, the parents and the child join a specially appointed councilor and they now enter a sacred contract for the future of their relationship. Society will have many options for the child to live apart from the parents, either for a time or for the indefinite future. This will include residential schools, a variety of apprenticeship programs or even special missions for the child to travel to other parts of the world.

This contract will be signed by both sides voluntarily. If no agreement can be reached, then a child can be required to move away from the parents or the family can be required to receive special counseling. The contract can at certain times be called up for renegotiation by either side, and it will be reviewed once a year. Parents can also receive many forms of assistance, including financial assistance, as society will consider its children the most important investment in the future.

Yet the practical point in relation to the question asked is the idea of entering a contract with children over the age of 12. This will require the use of some neutral outside person, such as a councillor, priest or psychologist. I realize there is no widespread awareness of this concept and thus no pre-defined contracts. So be willing to be among the forerunners and start working on such contracts, learning as you go. In fact, there should not be a pre-defined contract, as it must be the result of both parents and child defining it for themselves.

What to do if the children will not cooperate? Well, first give them the opportunity. But if no cooperation is forthcoming, then keep in mind that the children do not own you any more than you own them. Thus, you have a right to “cancel” your contract if it is not honored.

This may sound drastic, but relate it to what Jesus so poetically said about overcoming force. If people are using force against you, making your home a living hell, then you have two options. You can either seek to subdue them with force, or you can turn the other cheek and keep turning it until you walk out of the house.

In some cases people are so trapped in the use of force that they cannot see what they are doing as long as they think the other party cannot get away from them. This is an abusive relationship, and you do have a right to simply walk away from it. If you don’t, you run the risk of becoming “addicted” to the abuse, which leads to a codependent relationship that can continue for lifetimes. Such a relationship will continue until at least one of the parties makes the decision that they will not accept this anymore and there is a need for change. And thus, they change the only thing over which they have full control: themselves!

Today’s society has made great strides in terms of putting attention on parents or other authority figures who abuse children. So far it has centered on physical abuse, but there is a growing awareness of emotional abuse also. However, what has so far been lacking is the recognition that children can also be emotionally abusive towards their parents. The fact that children are physically not as strong as their parents does not mean that they cannot be stronger mentally and emotionally, and in many cases they do abuse the power this gives them over their parents. This lack of awareness will likely change in the coming decade, but it will only change if enough parents dare to speak out and call it for what it is: not “child abuse” but “abuse by child.”

I am not trying to blame people who have been or are in an abusive relationship. Human beings have an ability to adapt to many different conditions, and it greatly helps them survive and even grow on a dense planet like earth. However, the ability to adapt can also cause you to stop growth by being so willing to adapt that it prevents you from coming to the point of deciding that things need to change. You can adapt so much that you postpone that decision indefinitely.

I am not saying that leaving is always the only or the best option. It is indeed possible that the other party could change. However, experience clearly shows that people who are caught in the pattern of using force against others are slow to change.

The realization that things needed to change in a decisive way was what caused Mary and I to decide to send Jesus away and what caused him to accept that it was time to go. We all took responsibility for changing a situation that none of us were at peace with and which, quite frankly, made our home an unpleasant environment. Contrary to the idolatrous images people like to project upon the “holy family,” we were in embodiment and we were not that different from most other people. We were also very much a product of our culture, in which parental authority was unquestionable—a concept Jesus had little appreciation for.

So after Jesus’ disappearance in the temple, we had a serious talk, and we all had a change of perception. From this decisiveness – as opposed to the previous indecisiveness of adaptation – we all grew. Growing apart is better than not growing together.

NOTE: Mother Mary used the words that our children come through us and not from us. That is a reference to Kahlil Gibran’s book The Prophet. The entire quote on children is below.

 On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their lifestreams,
For their lifestreams dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.


 Copyright © 2010 by Kim Michaels